Victim of the Dark Side


4/20 Check-In

I’ve been trying to fight it and stay positive or focused on the small bits instead of the overwhelming big picture or tell myself I’m being too hard on me.  It didn’t work.  The dark side got me.  That’s the only reason I’d spend a Friday, home alone, watching the Lifetime Movie Network (LMN)* instead of doing something productive or (here’s an even more revolutionary idea) a fun activity.  Even worse? I knew it was an ultimate low, because I have a desire to watch that 17 marathon that’s on today.  Thank goodness the kids are home (and that sort of viewing is inappropriate for them).

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been trying so hard and getting nowhere.  I’m not talking just about writing.  I’m talking about losing weight, organizing my house, learning Japanese, and so on.  I’ve been very frustrated and feeling stuck.  And, like I said, I tried to not let them win.

But, the yucky feelings won and that’s all I got. I’m not sure where I go from here.  Do I take a week away from everything? Do I take the LMN as my down time and put on my big girl pants and move forward?  Do I try to get some things finished in a single minded manner (like a day devoted to yard work)?  Quite frankly, I can’t really figure it out.  My mind is all “The couch is comfy me and Jim Henson Creature Workshop wants to be watched.”

So, how was I doing before crashing and burning?

Every Week
Review Grammar 4 Days (breakfast) 4 / 4
Study Japanese 4 Days (lunch) 4 / 4 – Usually day 4 is Friday. I didn’t then. I did it Saturday morning in order to not add fuel to the yucky feelings. 
Read 25+ pages 12 / 25 pages – I had planned on reading Friday in between cleaning.  I watched SEXTING IN SUBURBIA instead.
Visit 2 ROWers (minimum) Each Check-In For Sunday’s check-in I did 2.  For Wednesday’s I did 3. 

Before Round Ends
Finish Writing Cycles 2.2 <-I’m on this cycle, 3.2, 1.3, 2.3, & 3.3 To end my current cycle I still needed to reach 50% mark in GRANDMA [one third of the way done], edit CLOSURE [DONE 4/14], & gender swap character [DONE 4/16].
Complete 5 Projects (from project/procrastination list) Made the list and keep adding to it. This was one of the makers of the yucky feelings.
Write Kid’s Chore List, Summer Review [DONE], and Spanish Lessons [DONE]. I wrote out the weekly and daily schedules, so I’ll be able to do the chores soon.  Review and lessons done (4/15). 
Write My Schedule Adjustments, Japanese Review [DONE], and More No progress.
Get Kids’ Summer Journals
Not yet.

What will happen between check-ins? Quite simple really. Step 1: Get a plan in place to get yucky feelings to go bye-bye.  Step 2: Do plan. Step 3: Feel better.  If not, return to Step 1 and repeat until I feel better.  But, right now… I’m going on that couch and watching them make puppet magic.

Who is your favorite Muppet?

*- There is nothing wrong with the Lifetime Movie Network. It just isn’t my thing.  At least, not usually.

Categories: ROW80 | Tags: , , , | 13 Comments

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13 thoughts on “Victim of the Dark Side

  1. Gloria, I’m hugging you from afar. (Gloria).

    It sounds like you need a break. And Lifetime shows. I don’t get the channel, and don’t miss it, but I know what you mean. During our unschooling conference last year, I found myself watching a whole string of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Absolutely not my thing, normally, but something about the rampant dysfunction reeled me in and held me, that night….

    Sometimes, I think, we all need something – DIFFERENT.

    We don’t run on a school schedule, and there are no chore lists here or summer journals to buy – is that a school thing invading the off season? But I was a schoolkid, once, and I know lots of people with kids in school, and it seems to be a huge shift into and out of that summer break.

    My suggestion would be – take a week or two off from everything but the bare essentials. Let yourself watch whatever calls to you. Play with whatever appeals to you. Be sweet to yourself, without apologies or excuses.

    Everyone deserves a break, once in a while, and I think trying to force ourselves through when we need to rest only makes matters worse.

    Every time I take a break, I find that, in a few days, ideas are popping and energy and focus are returning. I hope that happens for you, too!

    • Thanks, Shanjeniah.

      Summer journals are not a school thing. They are a way to help express expectations and provide structure during summer, which is very important for my autistic son. I have my daughter do it to keep things even. I did it last summer and it worked great with both kids enjoying it.

      Like you suggested, I’ve been on break (have been since it happened Friday, because I just didn’t know what else to do). I’m not sure how long it will last. I already wanted to break this morning and return to my studying, but I felt I wasn’t ready for that. But, definitely if I have any goal right now, it is to take care of myself.

  2. I can tell when I’m sliding to those yucky feelings because my African violets don’t get watered, and I stop cooking. So, now when I hesitate to water the poor things, that’s the time I need to look around and reshape my goals. They’re my early warning system to take stock.

    Shanjeniah offers some useful thoughts. Taking a break can lead you to that moment when you affirm what is really important to you. I’m sending you a virtual hug!

    • Thank you, Beth.

      Like I said, I felt this coming on and I tried my usual solutions. Though, I didn’t list them all up there. Stop and take a break to sort everything out is the last step/solution and I always go into it involuntarily. Like I did Friday.

      With luck I’ll have a clearer view on everything soon.

  3. +1 on being kind to yourself. I have had a lot of problems with fatigue and lack of motivation lately, and while some of it is physiological, some was plain ol’ burnout. So easy to do with writing, when there is always more we could write, more we could promote, more networking we can do. That alone can make it a major stressor if we aren’t careful. For me, taking a real vacation helped TONS, but I know that’s not often an option for most of us (me included). What else has helped is minimizing the to-do list, and taking writing -off- the list altogether–because that was making it feel like a chore, rather than something I wanted to do. I also think the worse-than-usual winter most of us in the US have had has contributed–I had a major Vitamin D deficiency, which can certainly contribute to all that. Good luck, and hope things are better for you soon!

    • The long winter and lack of sunshine did take a toll on me. Since the end of last month, everyday that it has been nice enough (usually all I ask is that it’s above freezing) I’ve been taking my dogs on a walk. I think I would have cracked sooner if I hadn’t been walking.

      I have asked myself if a vacation would make me feel better, but in the end I just don’t know. Not that I could go anywhere, but having someone else clean the house/do laundry/so forth for a week? It is an option in my mind.

      Thanks, Jennette.

  4. tmycann

    awwww… {{hugs}}
    I’ve had a few of those dark side stretches this year, and all I can say is that permission to change goals for a week or two has been key to finding my way back to productivity. Knowing that there’s a whole ROW80 crew out there keeping an eye on us is both wonderful and intimidating–but it’s humbling, too, to find that every other member has faced these nadirs and is willing to hold out a hand to remind us that there is a path forward. Even if it feels like a detour.

    Feel better soon!

    • It is definitely a great thing to have so many great ROWers around. To have the support and know I’m not alone definitely helps.

      Thanks for the support and stopping by.

  5. Yeah virtual hugs from me too. I know exactly what this is like having gone through a bit of it myself lately, unable to drag myself to do stuff I know I have to do and keep telling myself I really will do that … tomorrow. Meanwhile, more inclined to sit reading books about the Tudor court or some such. I think the time of year has something to do with it too, with post-winter burnout. Take care of your health and maybe don’t have too long a to-do list. I’m aware there are loads of things I ought to do but I think that, after a point, a to-do list just induces too much guilt! I know I have things on mine that have been on there for over 3 years ….!

    • Thanks, Pam.

      I really wish this was burnout. I can handle burnout. This whole thing is beyond that.

      It is like that dream where you try to walk some place, but no matter how much you walk you aren’t getting any closer. Sure you meet people and see things along the way, but the end? Not even within reach. That mixed with frustration that I’m not a “Do all the things!” person, just led to me to “Why even bother?” mode on Friday.

      There’s also lots of emotions tied in to the whole thing. Quite frankly, it is a big ugly mess. I’m sorting it out, however. This just might take a while.

  6. Sometimes when you plan too much for yourself it can get really overwhelming. I’ve been there, and done that, and those yucky feelings come and go. What has helped me in the past is to limit the amount of activities and projects you are taking on. It’s also okay to take a break from everything once in a while and veg out on the television. Taking the time to relax can work wonders. Luckily spring is here, and soon the weather will be nice enough to hopefully cheer you up.

    • I’ve been guilty of planning too much for myself in the past. I learned that lesson (for the most part). But, what I am doing right now is wanting to do more… And having learned my lesson, I just don’t add the stuff to my life or to do list. However, that doesn’t stop the want or the thinking about it or lamenting.

      • I understand. There never seems to be enough time in a day to do everything you want to do. If only we didn’t need to sleep, we could have 7 more hours to our day.

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