Experience: Fear and Priorities

I wear black, weird eye make up, and I’m thinking of dying my hair purple again.  Oh, and despite all that, I’m a big wuss.  The more time it takes me to face something I dread, the more fearful and jibbering I become.

But in jibbering I can reach a magical point.  This point is when the jibbering fear does a Humpty Dumpty: It falls and breaks.  I become numb.  I become calm.  And I become super naggy towards myself.

I find the older I get, the more afraid of everything I have become.  I’m afraid of change.  I’m afraid of failure.  I’m afraid of success.  I’m afraid I peeked.  I am afraid I haven’t lived up to my full potential.  And the list goes on!*  (Eventually, I get to my primal fears of like spiders, the dark, and heights.  Yes, I’m 31 and afraid of the dark… Well, what can be hiding in the dark to be exact.)

Where was I?  Oh, right.  As many know, I was recently jibbering.  On the day of my surgery, I cracked.  I looked over at my husband and said, “Why do I let myself get so afraid?”  Not of the surgery I was about to have and my first ever experience being sedated, but EVERYTHING!  (Okay, maybe not so much the stuff about the dark and spiders and the snake my husky pooped on…  That’s another story, but I’m afraid of snakes too so it ties in.)

Anyways after saying that to him, I went on for thirty minutes with how disgusted I was with myself.  Which led me to some of my first (absolutely coherent)  thoughts** post surgery.  “If I’m so disgusted, what am I going to do about it?”

With or without surgery I think everyone has moments like this.  In the end it is all about “What am I going to do about it?”  These aren’t moments to ignore, but moments to act.

*- Oddly, the first things that always come to my mind usually relate to my writing.
**- My first few thoughts were half words.  The next thoughts were making sure I heard what I heard, which I still think I heard wrong.  

P.S.- Because I don’t have as much time as I’d like to look through or take pictures, I’ll be changing my Monday 1,006 posts to every other week. However, on the weeks that it is off, I’ll be sharing more Writing Music.  I have three new writing songs I have been wanting to share.  Stop by this Monday for one of the three songs!

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Categories: Experience | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Experience: Fear and Priorities

  1. I’m right there with you. 29 and terrified of what’s hiding in the dark. It’s why I got so good at writing horror for a while… I didn’t have to stretch my imagination at all to scare myself, which meant that I scared others just as much.

    I’d love to say writing about the scarey makes it less scarey… but, it doesn’t. So, uh… walk softly and carry a big flashlight?

    • Despite of being afraid of nearly everything (EEK! Dish towels!), I cannot write horror. Though the more I am in a place, the less fear I have… But my house always finds a way to freak me out. Like one night when I was checking on my kids and a child’s voice whispered next to me in the hall and both my kids were in their beds. I crawled in bed (next to my husband) almost crying.

  2. I like that line about moments to act. I’ve always wanted to try dying my hair purple!

    • I really believe in acting. Lack of change is not good. The only reason i haven’t done anything just yet is I’m thinking over how I should act.

      About purple hair, since my hair is so dark, it is a pain to do. I have to bleach it before applying the purple. It has been five years since I’ve done this.

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